Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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