you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
