Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
