weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
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