I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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