According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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