I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
