You can't special order awesome
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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