Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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