I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
