Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
