WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
