He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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