I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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