Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We just shotgunned beers for America
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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