from now on my penis is your penis
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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