i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
