so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize