I'm jealous of your bromance
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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