fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
