Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
