FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
