i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
