I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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