Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
