I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
