There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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