if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am mentally ready for anal.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
