The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Found your dick twin last night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
