I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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