Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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