Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
