like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
