Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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