i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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