When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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