I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
