Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
