I feel great
I just peed on a car
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
foreskin is a definite game changer
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
