did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize