My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
