he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
