Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
