So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
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I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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