This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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