There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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