i wish peter jackson would direct porn
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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