I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
