I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
