Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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