im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
