If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just high enough for therapy.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
