If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
