I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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